The GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY

Much has happened since my last update so here it goes. . .

 

THE GOOD: Surgery went as perfect as possible thanks to God, the Virgin Mother’s Intercession, and a few sets of very skilled and attractive surgeons.  Seriously, Plastics guy has a team of residents who look like they stepped off the set of Grey’s Anatomy.  Back to me; my amazing team removed both my breasts while sparring my nipples! My surgical sites are healing, I’m feeling less pain every day and most importantly they got ALL of the Horcrux out!  So according to my surgical oncologist I’m considered CANCER FREE!  Just typing those words bring me tears of joy because they are the scariest, most relieving words every said to me.  There was absolutely nothing of concern in my right breast and only one tumor in my left breast, and the surgeon reached a clear margin near my skin so no concerns about cancer invading the skin. 

The BAD: My sentinel lymph node tested positive for caner in surgery, so the surgical protocol was to remove a total of 20 lymph nodes.  However, of the 20 removed, only ONE (the original sentinel node) was positive for cancer so yay for only one lymph node! Side note: It had shrunk in size since starting treatment.  Another major concern was that that 95% of the tumor that was removed was still made up cancer cells.  I’m trying my hardest to understand how that could be given all the growing and shrinking but that is for later.

The UGLY: Due to the surgical results, my Oncologist wants me to do 6 weeks of radiation in between eight cycles of a new chemo regiment that has been shown to decrease the rate of reoccurrence with Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  Meaning treatment will continue until at least the end of October/early November.

 

THE GOOD:  This new regiment of chemo, called Xeloda, comes in a pill form so I am able to take it from the comforts of my home.  There aren’t many side effects and I will be able to keep my daily life adventures.

The BAD:  It’s still more chemo!  I am just so tired of treatment that half of me wants to just throw something at my oncologist and hide under the blankets.  But this feeling shall pass.

The UGLY: The most common side effect is basically this condition that makes the palms of you hands and feet look like they have an extremely bad sunburn.  I care for my feet above any other part of my body, God really has his funny jokes.

 

The GOOD: The Cancer, rather the Horcrux, is out of my body.  It’s can’t hurt met any longer, well at the least the Horcrux part.  Also, I will get radiation as part of the  “clean up” crew as my radiology oncologists put it.  

The BAD: The fact that most of the remaining tumor and positive lymph node had cancer cells means that there still may be some nano-cancer cells lurking in my body ready to reek havoc at a moment’s notice which means more SCANS this week to make sure we aren’t dealing with anything more concerning.  

The UGLY: There is a huge chance of reoccurrence.  I used to have this recurring dream when I was a kid that my mom and I were boarding a train and it’s already moving with my mom hanging out a door trying to pull me in.  All while a giant tiger is chasing me down and my entire life is all determined by whether I can grab my mom’s hand in time and be pulled into safety.  Knowing that I have a high chance of reoccurrence makes me feel like I will be living the rest of my life constantly looking over my shoulder to see if that tiger is going to get me.  

But that is NO way to live life.

 

I don’t know what the future holds and I keep searching the internet in dire need to hear other positive stories of women who have been in similar situations which always leads me down dark and dangerous paths.  This has to stop.  From today I need to give it to God.  No more internet searches, just more prayers.  Today I am alive, breathing, feeling, and present.  What more could a girl ask for?

 

Until next time. . . .